


Biology Class

by BloodyAbattoir



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Belle is a Good Influence on Rumplestiltskin, Crack Treated Seriously, Dubious Morality, Gen, Humor, Magical Shapeshifting, Moral Ambiguity, Rumplestiltskin Trying to be Better, Rumplestiltskin | Mr. Gold Being an Asshole, Shapeshifting, Suggested Animal Cruelty, Turning People into Animals, inappropriate use of magic, misuse of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-01 10:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18798319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodyAbattoir/pseuds/BloodyAbattoir
Summary: Minor crackfic, not canon compliant. Magic is returned to Storybrooke, and an outsider annoys Rumplestiltskin just a little too much. As Rumplestiltskin is trying to be a better man as requested by Belle, instead of instantly killing this intruder, he is forced to get... creative in dealing with this person.





	Biology Class

"And just what is your problem, dearie?!" Rumplestiltskin snarled at the creature that was currently poking him in the ribs. 

 

"Hi!" Said creature replied, grinning widely. 

 

"That is it! I have  _had it_ with your infernal aggravation!" Rumplestiltskin raised his hand, before lowering it, nearly muttering to himself. "I know I've told Belle that I'll be a better man. I know Bae wanted me to be better.... Oh, well as long as I don't  _kill_ you."

 

"Huh?" 

 

A snap of the Dark One's fingers turned the scrawny girl into a large, hideously warty toad. It stared at him, before letting out a low croaking noise. 

 

"Disgusting thing." He murmured, glaring down at the amphibian at his feet. It let out a ribbit as if to agree with him. He raised one foot up, about to step on it. After all, this was no longer a human girl, but a mere toad. He couldn't have vermin in his shop, now could he? Certainly Belle would understand. 

 

Speaking of the blue-eyed girl, the door opened with a tinkle of the bell, admitting her into the shop. "Rumple? I was thinking we could go for lunch - Oh, what's this?" 

 

"It would appear, we have a wildlife problem here. I'll just dispose of it, and we'll be on our way." He said. When Belle didn't answer him, he looked up at her. A look of shock lay across her face. No doubt, squelching a frog under his shoe was still considered excessive to her. Mr. Gold heaved a sigh. "Oh, alright then. I won't step on the damned thing. Perhaps some fair maiden will kiss it, and it'll turn into a dashingly handsome prince, and they'll ride off into the sunset happily ever after." 

 

With that, he placed his foot down neatly on the floor, sparing the existence of the miserable girl/frog for the time being. It croaked at him once again, causing him to glare at it. "Do hold on, dearie, I'll deal with this soon enough." 

 

Plucking a random cardboard box from the back room of his shop, Rumplestiltskin entered the front of the store once again. He placed it down onto its side near the frog, and used one toe to 'gently' guide the frog into the box. From the front door, Belle gave him a disapproving look. No doubt, kicking a large toad into a box was still considered offensive to the poor girl. 

 

Stooping down, he snatched up the box, tucking it under his arm, before ambling towards the door. "I was thinking, after lunch, we'll set it loose near the Toll Bridge." 

 

"That- that'd be nice." She replied, smiling slightly. Rumplestiltskin was still a work in progress, but he was definitely improving, if this was anything to go by. After all, progress, not perfection, was all that she sought from the Dark One, and today, progress looked like not stepping on a large toad. 

 

The two lovebirds exited the pawnshop, heading towards Granny's Diner, the frog infested box in tow.

 

As the door to the diner jangled open, Rumplestiltskin took stock of the patrons currently munching away at their lunches, when he caught sight of a familiar head of short, dark hair. A malicious grin crossed his face. Perhaps he could do something just a bit better than turning the annoying visitor into a frog only to set the warty thing free. After all, what better torment than to be the class pet in a room full of rowdy fourth graders? 

 

"Mary Margaret!" Mr. Gold called out, causing her to turn, appraising him uncomfortably. They didn't exactly have the best relationship, and her first thought was that Mr. Gold had come to collect on some deal or another. 

 

"I've got something for you." He said, offering her the box. The schoolteacher took it gingerly, as if she was afraid that it would explode at any given moment. "Well don't look so frightened, dearie. It won't harm you." 

 

"What... is this?" She finally asked. 

 

"Oh, I happened to have an intruder in the shop." Rumplestiltskin replied, waving his hand. 

 

"A what?! Please tell me that this isn't a human!" 

 

"No, no, no such luck, just a rather large frog. I thought it'd make a nice class pet for your classroom." 

 

Belle would be none the wiser. 


End file.
